Kavanaugh Must Die!
by Shorty McGee
Summary: Kavanaugh does something stupid, and Radek gets the upper hand. One-Shot


Don't ask me where this idea came from, but it hit me at the bus stop

Don't ask me where this idea came from, but it hit me at the bus stop

I don't own Stargate: Atlantis, but wouldn't turn away Evan Lorne or Radek Zelenka.

I hope you like the twisted stuff that comes out of my mind. The song is Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer, or at least that is what the internet told me.

Radek was working in the lab. It was early, most of the other scientists hadn't come in yet. He liked it that way. He was working on a project when the door opened. He turned to see who it was. It was Kavanaugh! Radek turned away. He disliked the man even on the best of days. He listened as Kavanaugh set down a CD player. He wondered what kind of music Kavanaugh listened to. He listened as Kavanaugh turned the player one. The first words came out and they didn't sound so bad.

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.  
Life is skittles and life is beer.  
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.  
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.  
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,  
And makes ev'ry Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune  
On a spring afternoon,  
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.  
Ev'ry Sunday you'll see  
My sweetheart and me,  
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

At this point, Radek wanted to leave the room. Didn't Kavanaugh know that he used to raise pigeons? Was the man completely heartless? He decided not to leave. He wasn't going to leave just because some idiot had bad taste in music.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,  
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.  
The sun's shining bright,  
Ev'rything seems all right,  
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

'They should poison themselves.' Radek thought. 'Those helpless birds. What kind of people purposely poison pigeons?'

Lalaalaalalaladoodiedieedoodoodoo

That part really got on Radek's nerves. 'That part was as annoying as Kavanaugh. Why won't he go away?' He turned and looked at Kavanaugh. He was singing along quietly. "Would you turn that down? One of us is trying to do actual work!" Kavanaugh reached over and turned it down, sort of. Radek could still hear every horrible word.

We've gained notoriety,  
And caused much anxiety  
In the Audubon Society  
With our games.  
They call it impiety,  
And lack of propriety,  
And quite a variety  
Of unpleasant names.  
But it's not against any religion  
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

'Games! They call that sort of thing a game! Radek wanted to strangle Kavanaugh, but restrained himself. The song couldn't last forever! 'I can outlast Kavanaugh. He is probably trying to drive me out anyway.' He could feel his blood pressure rise. He thought that his heart might explode from the anger he was feeling.

So if Sunday you're free,  
Why don't you come with me,  
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.  
And maybe we'll do  
In a squirrel or two,  
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

'If that song doesn't stop soon, I will have to do something to him. Something permanent!' He looked at Kavanaugh, who was still singing quietly along. 'I think he actually likes the song. Something must be wrong with him.'

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.  
Except for the few we take home to experiment.  
My pulse will be quickenin'  
With each drop of strychnine  
We feed to a pigeon.  
It just takes a smidgen!  
To poison a pigeon in the park.

'He is the one that should be murdered!' Radek thought. He turned at a sudden sound. Kavanaugh was laughing quietly. The player went quiet, but after a minute, the song started over again. Radek had had enough. With a cry, he jumped on Kavanaugh and started beating him. Just as he was about to smash Kavanaugh's head into the ground, McKay came in and pried him off. He took a moment to call Carson.

"We don't need you to kill him." He told Radek. "He isn't worth going to jail over. Why did you go after him anyway?"

Radek turned up the music. The words blasted out of the player. McKay's face dropped. "Oh, ok. Take the disc and break it then, but don't hit Kavanaugh again."

"Why? We don't need him."

Rodney looked at Radek. "I have a better punishment for him." He almost skipped out the door, with Radek close behind.

--

Radek and Rodney stand near the gate and watch as Kavanaugh goes through the gate.

"I think he is happy about going," Radek said miserably.

Rodney smiled. "That's because he doesn't know where he is going."

Radek looked at Rodney sharply. He was…smiling.

"Why are you smiling?"

Rodney looked at Radek. "Because I sent him to M7G-677."

Radek's eyebrows went up. "That's the planet…"

Rodney cut him off. "Yes, that's the planet with all the kids."

Radek smiled. Perhaps to day would be a good day after all.


End file.
